Merry Christmas

Although I think about something to add to the blog everyday as you can see it doesn't get added. Today however I needed to add something. It is Christmas day and although it seems now Christmas is all about presents and gifts, family is what occupies my mind. I think about how if it wasn't for God giving us his only son I would not have been able to hold my only son. And if Jesus wasn't born there would be no possible way I would see Tristan again. I know there is a Heaven and God does watch over us. If he did not take care of us I would not be here. As Sarah and I go through this difficult holiday season we remember what great things we have been blessed with and the memories we have of blessing that are no longer here. I try hard not to complain or be upset and lonely but that's what happens when you lose something you truly love. What I want for Christmas is for the people that are going through tough times and people that truly hurt to say a prayer. Ask for help because no matter what the situation is God will help you get through it. He has blessed me with two angels. One I live with and the other is waiting for me in Heaven.

God Bless everyone and Merry Christmas.

We miss you Tristan.

Why Tristan?

As the 1 year anniversary of Tristan slowly crept up our emotions and minds started to wonder as always. I didn't think about him any more than normal because thoughts of him typically occupy me throughout every day. The only difference was instead of seeing his face, hair, smile in other 13 month children I started to think, why? I have never said "why us" or "what did Sarah and I do to deserve this"? God does not keep tabs of good and bad. If you are truly sorry you will be forgiven. But the thought in the front of my mind has been, "why Tristan"? Tristan was perfect. He had a problem with the mechanics of his heart but that was him. He took what he had and he fought as hard as he could for those 54 days. He proved to me you can do anything and everything you do directly effects other people. Was Tristan sent to us to touch hundreds of lives showing his toughness and perseverance? Was Tristan sent to show us how much you can truly love someone and how a family built with love can work through anything with the help of God and their faith. What I think is that Tristan was "chosen" by God to bypass the "normal world". To come down and make an immediate impact in every life he could possible touch, proving each day is a gift and the only guarantee of life is life in Heaven. Sarah and I now understand that. We are just here on earth to touch others. Maybe it is the smile in the morning to the person watering the lawn or opening the door for someone at work. Tristan taught us it is the simple things that mean the most. We saw Tristan's emotions, temper and improving motor skills within 2 months. For the time he was with us Sarah was there for everything. Anything I missed she would relay over the phone. I felt like I was their too. How many other parents get a chance to see all those things within 2 months? Not a lot. Life is busy, too busy at times. But why? Work is work and I had to be back which I still beat myself up about missing time with Tristan. But you cannot change that. I needed to work so we had the resources to pay for Tristan's medical bills when he came home. We did not stress at all about money. Tristan is what we cared about. It is amazing what you can do away with in order to have what you truly care about.

Today for us and for Tristan we want any parent out there to hold their child. Tell them you love them, hug them like they are the most important thing to you. Because although you know they are, sometimes if means more if you put your plans aside and focus on what means the most. The family right in front of you. I can see Tristan's smile right now. When I would get there on Friday' he would smile when he could see me. How many times do you brush off those smiles to catch a TV show?

Tristan,

We know you are in Heaven where we are not even a thought. Time is standing still until we get there to hold you again. But down here you are part of our lives every second of every day. We made another garden for you. It is very nice and very colorful. We go and visit you everyday at your bed too. We talk about our day as a family, just as if you were home. Your cousin Jordan even won his baseball tournament 2 weeks ago. Jordan and Mitchell love you and miss you too. Have sweet dreams my little man, Tristan. Before we know it our dreams will become a reality and we will be holding you in Heaven.

Love you always,

Mom and Dad.

A Lonely Fathers Day

Untitled
by Patricia Grant



A million times I needed you
A million times I have cried.
If love alone could have saved you,
You would have never died.
In life I loved you dearly,
In death I love you still.
In my heart you hold a special place,
That none will ever fill.
It broke my heart to lose you,
But you did not go alone.
For all my love went with you
The day God called you home.

Tristan there are no words that can express how much we miss you. I thank God that most people don't feel what we feel. It is hard to be sad when we know you are in Heaven. But it is hard to be happy when your not here with us. I will never forget our fathers day together. You are my special son.

Love

Mom and Dad

Days keep on going.......

It has been over a week since my last post. It is not that I don't have a lot to say but there is so much in my mind that sometimes I cannot keep it straight. I have been reading over some of the posts from last year in the hospital. I am starting to forget dates little things happened but my heart continues to ache non stop. I can remember each day but they are starting to blend together now. We try to keep our self busy because when things slow down our minds do wander. When people ignorantly say you will move on, I can tell you that is 100% false. You never move on, you learn to cope.

We miss you Tristan Baby.

Mom and Dad

A touch of God

Since Tristan's Birthday on Wednesday our minds have been replaying every minute of the time we were down with Tristan in Indy. Friday would have been a year anniversary for Tristan's baptism. That was something we were excited for. Although we wish everyone could be present our main objective was for Tristan to be baptized in the event something happened in his surgery the following morning. That leads us to today's anniversary. This morning a year ago the two of us (with my parents present)went through the emotional, soul searching experience as we waiting for Tristan to return from we consider a touch from God. One of the many difficult things about this day in Indy was signing the waiver for surgery. To hear the odds of Tristan not surviving the surgery and what all they were going to operate on were something our minds could not comprehend. But like an angel doing God's work, the surgeon completed the surgery with no problems and our boy was returned to his new home in Payton Manning's Children Hospital or the PICU as we have referred to it. He had is chest opened up when we saw him next but to us there was no opening. Just our baby boy fighting as hard as he could with what God blessed him with.

We will continue through this day which has become much harder than we anticipated. We had wild dreams from last night and only more I am sure to follow tonight. We have learned not to question the past or "what if" he didn't have so many heart issues. We like to dream what it would be like to have him here with us today and in the future but it is always our Tristan. We would have him no other way.

He is with us. Especially when times are tough. And the smile I see from him when I close my eyes, takes the pain away.

We love you Tristan.

Mom and Dad

One year Ago...

Right about this time last year we were already checked into the hospital in Indy, I was dilating well and my water broke pretty early in the morning yet. Our great friends Stephanie and Shannon were also in a hospital here in Fort Wayne getting ready to have their baby girl, Ava. David and Shannon were busy texting all day to say who was further along and who would be here first, Tristan or Ava. Of course, at that time we did not know yet whether we were having a boy or a girl. So some of our conversation was about baby names. We had a girl name but could not quite decide on a boy name. As the day went on, we lost the race and Ava beat Tristan into the world by just a few hours. And we came up with a plan. If the baby was a boy and came out with dark hair he would be Bryce; if he came out with no hair or a lighter color (blond,red) he would be called Tristan. We patiently waited...I vividly remember David getting a big sandwich for lunch and eating it right in front of me while I could only have ice chips... :) And we continued to wait... I also remember David almost fainting when I got the epidural. My sister Rachel arrives later in the day and being the nurse that she is, she is ready to answer any request I would have. We continue to wait...
The hours went on, we pushed and pushed and eventually we ended up going in for a C-section. So much of this is a blur but our baby was here in moments and I recall them saying "It's a Boy" before wisking him away to a side room so the NICU doctors and cardiologists could look him over. I was prepared for that as we had previously discussed exactly how the delivery would go to ensure the highest level of safety for the baby. David flashed me a glance as if to say "Are you ok if I go and see him?" I say "GO, GO - get pictures!"; he goes next door and I can faintly hear our baby crying and people talking. I continue to lay there as the doctors finish with me and after what feels like forever one of the doctors brings the baby into the room all wrapped up and in a cap to keep warm. They are only able to hold him up so I can see him - I am not yet able to touch or kiss my baby, only to see his perfect little face.
As he is off to the NICU for further testing, I am rolled back to my room for recovery. The drugs have taken a toll on me and I am feeling good but pretty fuzzy mentally. David and I have a few minutes to talk and he shows me the pictures of our new baby boy. To my surprise - he has red in his hair! This comes straight from his grandma Horacek who has a strawberry blond color hair - you may even notice red in David's beard from time to time. So - The decision is made - he will be called Tristan David Horacek.
So much of this story is similar to most other delivery stories you hear. At times I think I even tried to pretend it was a typical delivery - to keep my sanity leading up to his arrival. And today I am reminiscing about the day our baby came into the world just like other parents do. I am trying really hard to just see that...to just see the excitement we had...to just see 'normal' things and the happy or even humorous events of that day...to just stay positive like I did a year ago. But no matter what I do, no amount of positivity or pretending will bring my baby back to me. It cannot take me back to that special day...
But for today, we remember, we honor and we recognize the birth and life of Tristan. We may not be having a party as we would have hoped but we will be sending you balloons my sweety... You will always be my Sunshine!

Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday Tristan! I am not sure how this post is going to come out or how it is going to read for some of you but I am going to put what is in my mind onto the blog as I always have. Today is a great day, Tristan is now a 1 year old, a bouncing baby boy who crawls anywhere he can. He is always giggling and laughing attempting to stand on his own even if it is for a split second before he crashes down. But if there was any concern from the fall his big smile and laugh immediately following takes that away. We can see him getting bigger his hair is starting to get a little more red as the months go, his face still chubby and his smile even bigger. Then I open my mind to earth. There is no bouncing boy, there is no big smile, there is no Tristan on earth. This is just part of the emotional roller coaster that Sarah and my self's mind plays. We know Tristan is with us and we do lean on him for support just as we do God but things are different now. One year ago today was the greatest day of our lives and the start a 54 day journey that will always remain in my heart and mind. We did see a Miracle and we saw Angels on earth in the form of doctors and nurses every day in Indy. The hard part is now the Angel we want to see is Tristan.

Today we will be working on his garden, planting flowers and doing a little maintenance to it. He is alive and well in Heaven, just waiting for the day for us to come up to be with him again. We are just trying to build a little piece of Heaven on earth with his garden. Something that can grow as he did and bloom into something greater.

Thank you everyone for your support and messages. If we don't respond don't take it personal. We have a lot on our minds and heavy hearts.

We love you Tristan, Happy Birthday!

Mom and Dad

1st's

Just like every other new parent Sarah and I were anxious about the 1st's. First tooth, First time Tristan rolls over, First time Tristan would walk, all the way down the line. Now we cherish the 1st's we were able to have with him. Some people view these as little steps as not important but we watched Tristan improve through each stage every moment he was here. We knew more about his emotions and his personality at one month than people have noticed after one year. This is because he was our everything and our only concern while he was here. Nothing else mattered. Now fast forward to today, Mothers Day, a day that we should be playing and taking pictures with mom. Does it change? Do you still think about him every second? Although it is impossible to think about Tristan every second I can tell you it has not changed. He is interlinked into every part of our life. And more importantly our heart knows something is missing. Some day's missing Tristan takes more of a toll on me that work. I actually embrace it because everything about Tristan was and is a blessing. Even as time goes one I still have friends who are "afraid" to talk about Tristan or bring up things about being a parent because they don't want to re-kindle those emotions. Let me tell you I will be dead the first time those emotions are not part of my day, whether you bring it up or not. We actually feel better to talk about Tristan and not "pretend" he didn't exist as we feel some people do. We were invited to a b-day party the same day as Tristan's and the invite almost brought me to tears. Not because it is Tristan's B-Day too but because we were being treated like "normal" parents. They were not afraid to include us even though they knew we could not attend.

Today I want to wish my Sarah a Happy Mothers Day. She with a selected group of special mothers deserve to have a special day for them. Even though their child is not with us in physical for they are in spirit. Why take something away from them? They are the same as every other mother, except they have a heavier heart today. If you know someone who has lost a child reach out to them today. They will never forget it. And I GUARANTEE you they will not be mad about "bringing it up".

Tristan we love you and miss you so much.

Your Birthday is coming up soon big man. I hope the Angels are preparing your first cake.

Love always

Mom and Dad

New Blog Domain

I would like to welcome everyone to the new blog for Tristan. If you are still using the old blog at http://mysite.ncnetwork.net/ressg3vo/ it will remain to be up but will not be updated. This new blog can be viewed at www.heartofahammer.com or http://heartofahammer.blogspot.com/. Please continue to pray not just for our family but others who are in similar situations. Please also feel free to send links for the new blog to anyone you think would like to join or extended family. Don't hesitate to post comments as every single comment is greatly appreciated even if it is the smallest comment.

Saturday, April 24, 2010
Please watch over us
O God, You called Abraham Your servant out of Ur and kept him safe and sound in all his wanderings. If it is Your will, protect Your servants. Be for us a support when setting out, friendship along the way, a little shade from the sun, a mantle against cold and rain, a crutch on slippery paths, and a haven in shipwreck. Bear us up in fatigue, and defend us under attack. Under Your protection, let us fulfill the purpose for our trip and return safe and sound to our home. Amen

Our trip through life is hard enough without you Tristan. Please help ease our minds and hearts while we are away from our comfort zone. Jesus bless us with a safe travel until we return.

We miss you Tristan.

Mom and Dad
2:45 am est