Why Tristan?

As the 1 year anniversary of Tristan slowly crept up our emotions and minds started to wonder as always. I didn't think about him any more than normal because thoughts of him typically occupy me throughout every day. The only difference was instead of seeing his face, hair, smile in other 13 month children I started to think, why? I have never said "why us" or "what did Sarah and I do to deserve this"? God does not keep tabs of good and bad. If you are truly sorry you will be forgiven. But the thought in the front of my mind has been, "why Tristan"? Tristan was perfect. He had a problem with the mechanics of his heart but that was him. He took what he had and he fought as hard as he could for those 54 days. He proved to me you can do anything and everything you do directly effects other people. Was Tristan sent to us to touch hundreds of lives showing his toughness and perseverance? Was Tristan sent to show us how much you can truly love someone and how a family built with love can work through anything with the help of God and their faith. What I think is that Tristan was "chosen" by God to bypass the "normal world". To come down and make an immediate impact in every life he could possible touch, proving each day is a gift and the only guarantee of life is life in Heaven. Sarah and I now understand that. We are just here on earth to touch others. Maybe it is the smile in the morning to the person watering the lawn or opening the door for someone at work. Tristan taught us it is the simple things that mean the most. We saw Tristan's emotions, temper and improving motor skills within 2 months. For the time he was with us Sarah was there for everything. Anything I missed she would relay over the phone. I felt like I was their too. How many other parents get a chance to see all those things within 2 months? Not a lot. Life is busy, too busy at times. But why? Work is work and I had to be back which I still beat myself up about missing time with Tristan. But you cannot change that. I needed to work so we had the resources to pay for Tristan's medical bills when he came home. We did not stress at all about money. Tristan is what we cared about. It is amazing what you can do away with in order to have what you truly care about.

Today for us and for Tristan we want any parent out there to hold their child. Tell them you love them, hug them like they are the most important thing to you. Because although you know they are, sometimes if means more if you put your plans aside and focus on what means the most. The family right in front of you. I can see Tristan's smile right now. When I would get there on Friday' he would smile when he could see me. How many times do you brush off those smiles to catch a TV show?

Tristan,

We know you are in Heaven where we are not even a thought. Time is standing still until we get there to hold you again. But down here you are part of our lives every second of every day. We made another garden for you. It is very nice and very colorful. We go and visit you everyday at your bed too. We talk about our day as a family, just as if you were home. Your cousin Jordan even won his baseball tournament 2 weeks ago. Jordan and Mitchell love you and miss you too. Have sweet dreams my little man, Tristan. Before we know it our dreams will become a reality and we will be holding you in Heaven.

Love you always,

Mom and Dad.

A touch of God

Since Tristan's Birthday on Wednesday our minds have been replaying every minute of the time we were down with Tristan in Indy. Friday would have been a year anniversary for Tristan's baptism. That was something we were excited for. Although we wish everyone could be present our main objective was for Tristan to be baptized in the event something happened in his surgery the following morning. That leads us to today's anniversary. This morning a year ago the two of us (with my parents present)went through the emotional, soul searching experience as we waiting for Tristan to return from we consider a touch from God. One of the many difficult things about this day in Indy was signing the waiver for surgery. To hear the odds of Tristan not surviving the surgery and what all they were going to operate on were something our minds could not comprehend. But like an angel doing God's work, the surgeon completed the surgery with no problems and our boy was returned to his new home in Payton Manning's Children Hospital or the PICU as we have referred to it. He had is chest opened up when we saw him next but to us there was no opening. Just our baby boy fighting as hard as he could with what God blessed him with.

We will continue through this day which has become much harder than we anticipated. We had wild dreams from last night and only more I am sure to follow tonight. We have learned not to question the past or "what if" he didn't have so many heart issues. We like to dream what it would be like to have him here with us today and in the future but it is always our Tristan. We would have him no other way.

He is with us. Especially when times are tough. And the smile I see from him when I close my eyes, takes the pain away.

We love you Tristan.

Mom and Dad